Self-Control
Self-control is the ability to manage your emotions and impulses, creating space for reason to guide your actions rather than being driven by immediate feelings.
THE IDEA
Self-Control
Give me that man That is not passion’s slave, and I will wear him In my heart’s core, ay, in my heart of heart.
—WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, Hamlet
SELF-CONTROL IS THE ABILITY TO MASTER YOUR FEARS, desires, and other emotions.
Emotions are an inescapable part of human life. Mammals like us evolved to respond quickly to immediate environmental threats and opportunities—fear in response to a threat, enjoyment in response to a social-bonding experience, sadness in response to a loss. We can’t eliminate these physiological reactions or the conditions that trigger them. We can only manage how we respond to them.
Some people are like corks bobbing around in the waves of an emotional sea. Their actions are in thrall to their emotions: anger, joy, sadness, fear—whatever gets triggered in the moment. Other people, however, decide to take command of their life. They seize the helm, decide where they want to go, and steer the ship in that direction despite the waves. They still experience ups and downs like everybody else; they just don’t allow those waves of emotion to determine the direction of their life. Instead, they turn the wheel as needed using good judgment to keep themselves on course.
Self-control is about creating space for reason instead of just blindly following instincts. It’s about being able to view and manage your emotions as if they were inanimate objects—things that don’t have the power to determine what you do unless you let them. It’s about putting distance between yourself and your emotions, and realizing that you have the power to determine how you respond to them. You can react when they prompt you, or instead think clearly and consider whether they’re worth following.
The emotion default tries to remove any distance between you and your emotions, triggering a reaction in the absence of any deliberation. It wants to win the present moment, even if it means sabotaging the future. Self-control empowers you to keep emotion in check, though.
If you’ve ever seen a toddler throw a tantrum, you’ve seen what the emotion default can do with someone who hasn’t learned self-control. What’s truly frightening is that some adults are only marginally better than a toddler at fending it off. These are people who lack self-control and are routinely carried away by their emotions.
A large part of achieving success is having the self-control to do whatever needs to be done, regardless of whether you feel like doing it at the moment. Emotional intensity is far less important in the long run than disciplined consistency. Inspiration and excitement might get you going, but persistence and routine are what keep you going until you reach your goals. Anyone can maintain excitement for a few minutes, but the longer a project takes, the fewer the people who can maintain their excitement for it. The most successful people have the self-control to keep going anyway. It’s not always exciting, but they still show up.
When to use it
Managing anger during a heated argument by pausing to breathe and respond thoughtfully rather than lashing out.
Sticking to a budget and avoiding impulse purchases by reminding yourself of long-term financial goals.
Maintaining a daily study or practice schedule even when you'd rather procrastinate or do something more immediately gratifying.
Resisting the urge to check social media constantly while working on an important project.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
Toddler Tantrum vs. Adult Self-Control
A toddler throws a tantrum when denied a toy, acting purely on immediate emotional impulse. An adult with self-control might feel frustration but chooses to accept the situation calmly, recognizing that the reaction won't help.
Persistence in Long-Term Projects
Many people start a new exercise routine with excitement but quit after a few weeks when the initial motivation fades. Someone with self-control continues to work out even on days they don't feel like it, maintaining the routine until it becomes a habit and yields results.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
Think of a recent situation where you reacted emotionally. How could you have created space between the trigger and your response?
What long-term goal are you working toward? How can you use self-control to stay consistent even when motivation wanes?
In what areas of your life do you feel most controlled by immediate emotions? What strategies might help you steer the ship instead of being tossed by the waves?
Often confused with
References
- Hamlet — William Shakespeare (1603)
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- Clear Thinking Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results (Shane Parrish)