Listen to people who share your goals
When you share a common goal with someone, you are more likely to listen open-mindedly and learn from them, even if your broader worldviews differ significantly.
THE IDEA
LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO SHARE YOUR GOALS
My friend Kelsey Piper is a journalist for Vox, where she covers developments in philanthropy, technology, politics, and other issues affecting global well-being. Kelsey is also an atheist. And one of her good friends, whom I’ll call Jen, is a practicing Catholic. That’s a large difference in beliefs, one that often makes disagreements intractable, especially on issues like homosexuality, birth control, premarital sex, or euthanasia. When one person’s moral positions stem from religious premises that another person doesn’t share, it’s hard to know how to make progress.
But one thing Kelsey and Jen do share is a desire to make the world a better place as effectively as possible. They’re both part of the effective altruism movement, which is devoted to finding high-impact, evidence-based ways of doing good. That shared goal creates a sense of camaraderie and trust between them, making Kelsey more willing to listen open-mindedly to Jen’s perspective than she might otherwise have been.
One topic on which Kelsey’s views have shifted as a result of those conversations is abortion. At first, she had been unconflictedly pro-choice. Her view was that a fetus isn’t sentient enough to count as a “person” in the morally relevant sense, the sense that would make an abortion wrong.
Now, after many conversations with Jen, Kelsey is somewhat more sympathetic to the pro-life position. Even though she considers it unlikely that a fetus could be sentient, “it seems possible that if I had a full understanding of the experience of being a fetus, that I would end up going, ‘Oh, yeah, this is the kind of mind where something tragic has occurred when this dies,’” she told me. Kelsey is still strongly in favor of legal abortion. But she now takes more seriously the possibility that abortions are a bad outcome, one that we should be trying harder to prevent.
That shift wouldn’t have happened if Kelsey hadn’t made a genuine effort to understand Jen’s perspective—and that wouldn’t have happened if Kelsey hadn’t felt like Jen was her ally in a fight to make the world better, someone who cares about many of the same things as Kelsey does. Feeling like you’re on the same team in some important way can make it possible to learn from each other, even when your worldviews are otherwise very different.
When to use it
In the workplace, when collaborating with colleagues from different departments who have conflicting priorities, focus on shared company goals (e.g., increasing revenue, customer satisfaction) to overcome disagreements and find common ground.
During political or ideological discussions, highlight shared values such as community safety, economic prosperity, or family well-being to create a collaborative atmosphere and make dialogue more productive.
In personal relationships, when discussing difficult topics like religion or parenting styles, remind each other of your shared commitment to each other's happiness and growth to reduce defensiveness and encourage listening.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
Kelsey and Jen's shared goal of effective altruism
Kelsey Piper, an atheist, and her friend Jen, a practicing Catholic, have deep disagreements on moral issues like abortion, but they share a common goal of making the world a better place through effective altruism. This shared goal created trust and openness, enabling Kelsey to seriously consider Jen's pro-life arguments and shift her views on the moral status of abortion, even though she remains pro-choice.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
Think of a person you strongly disagree with on a moral or political issue. Do you share any common goals? How could you use that shared goal to better understand their perspective?
How can you actively seek out shared goals with people from different backgrounds or belief systems to foster more productive conversations?
What are some ways to build trust and a sense of being 'on the same team' with someone whose worldview is very different from your own?
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- The Scout Mindset (Julia Galef)