Give Very Concrete Examples
A communication technique that involves using specific, factual examples (e.g., timing someone's talk time) to deliver clear feedback, making the message harder to dismiss and easier to acknowledge.
THE IDEA
Give Very Concrete Examples
“At the last party we had together, you spoke more than fifty percent of the time we were sitting at the dinner table. I timed you. We were there for two hours and you held court for more than one of them.”
“You laughed,” he said, now quite grumpy.
“At the beginning. But if you’d been more observant, you would have noticed that it was only at the beginning. And afterwards I heard several people commenting on your need to take center stage in rather a negative way.”
This made Janne really indignant. “What ungrateful people! There I was, entertaining people, and what do I get for it? Sheer hostility! A stab in the back!”
“I’m not evaluating what they said,” I said, “but I noticed that they thought you were talking too much. Do you understand what I mean?”
It’s incredibly important to get the Yellow to acknowledge and accept the message. If you don’t recognize a problem, you don’t have to solve it. What did Janne do? He nodded morosely. I thought things were going rather well after all.
When to use it
Providing performance feedback in a workplace setting to avoid vague criticism.
Coaching someone on communication skills by pointing to specific instances.
Resolving interpersonal conflicts where perceptions differ from facts.
Teaching students the importance of evidence-based arguments.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
Janne's Talk Time
The speaker tells Janne he spoke for more than 50% of the dinner party and says he timed it. Janne responds defensively, then nods. The excerpt does not show whether he accepts the criticism or changes his behavior.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
Think of a recent feedback conversation you had. Did you use concrete examples? How could you have made your feedback more specific?
Why does providing concrete examples make it harder for the receiver to dismiss the feedback?
How can you balance concreteness with empathy when delivering feedback?
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- Surrounded By Idiots (Thomas Erikson)