Explain That You Don’t Dislike Him—Only His Behavior
Erikson recommends separating criticism of a behavior from rejection of a person. His anecdote describes reassuring a friend he classifies as Yellow, along with flattery he explicitly calls manipulation.
THE IDEA
Explain That You Don’t Dislike Him—Only His Behavior
In my color model, Yellows tend to take criticism personally. If everything isn’t ice cream and sprinkles all the time, then there must be a problem somewhere. They think you’ve suddenly become enemies. And Janne reacted in the same way. He physically moved several inches back away from me, which I interpreted as a sign that he was upset. So I did what you do with little children: I explained that he was still my friend—probably my best friend—and I thought he was really funny. The only thing I wanted was for him to bury the blabber a little bit. He’d just gone overboard a bit. I told him at least ten times that I liked him very much.
Unfortunately, he’s a frightfully bad listener, so I had to remind him of all the fun things we had done together and that I cared tremendously about him. I flattered him and congratulated him on his choice of a new car. I simply manipulated him. A little bit at a time, he began to thaw, and his body language became less defensive.
When to use it
Giving constructive feedback to a colleague who is sensitive about their performance.
Addressing a friend's annoying habit while explicitly reaffirming the value of the friendship.
Parenting: correcting a child's misbehavior while repeatedly expressing love and affection.
Manager providing performance feedback to an employee who tends to take criticism personally.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
Handling a Yellow's reaction to criticism
Erikson describes reassuring his friend Janne after criticizing his talking. He recalls shared experiences and flatters Janne, then reports that Janne appears less defensive. He calls his own approach manipulation; the anecdote does not establish that everyone he labels Yellow will react this way.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
Think of a time you criticized a sensitive person. How could you have separated the behavior from the person to avoid a personal reaction?
How can you use affirmation and reminders of past positive experiences to soften the delivery of constructive criticism?
What are the potential ethical concerns of using flattery or manipulation to deliver feedback, as described in the text?
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- Surrounded By Idiots (Thomas Erikson)