Be Willing to Stay Confused
Instead of dismissing observations that contradict your theories, get curious about them and treat them as clues to a new, richer understanding. Leaning into confusion inverts habitual thinking and opens the door to discovery.
THE IDEA
BE WILLING TO STAY CONFUSED
If you were a Christian teenager in the United States in the late 1990s or early 2000s, chances are good that you had a certain book on your shelf: I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Written by a twenty-one-year-old pastor’s son named Joshua Harris, it encouraged Christians to avoid dating before marriage, in order to keep themselves pure for their future spouse.
I Kissed Dating Goodbye sold well over a million copies and catapulted Harris to fame. But by the 2010s, Harris—who was now a pastor himself—began to hear from a growing number of people who had read his book as teenagers and taken it to heart, but now felt it had screwed up their lives. “Your book was used as a weapon against me,” one woman told him on Twitter. “I feel the only man I deserve is one who is broken like me,” another woman said. “Because of the shameful purity movement rhetoric we learned from your book, sex became tainted,” wrote a male reader who’s now married. “To this day, I cannot be intimate with my wife without feeling like I’m doing something wrong.”
At first Harris found it easy to dismiss these online critics as haters. But then he began to hear similar stories from classmates of his, who confessed that they also felt the book’s impact on their lives had been negative. That brought him up short. He couldn’t write off his real-life friends as haters or angry trolls. Their testimonies were anomalies, difficult to explain under the “nothing wrong with my book” paradigm.
In 2016, Harris began to publicly share his doubts about I Kissed Dating Goodbye. But when journalists pressed him for a definitive conclusion—was he officially disavowing his book?—he demurred. “I just need to listen to where people are before I come out with my own thoughts,” Harris said. “I don’t have all the answers yet.”
We’ll return to Harris later to see how his journey turns out. But for now, we’ll leave him suspended in confusion—as we all should learn to be.
• • •
Leaning in to confusion is about inverting the way you’re used to seeing the world. Instead of dismissing observations that contradict your theories, get curious about them. Instead of writing people off as irrational when they don’t behave the way you think they should, ask yourself why their behavior might be rational. Instead of trying to fit confusing observations into your preexisting theories, treat them as clues to a new theory.
Scouts view anomalies as puzzle pieces to collect as you go through the world. You probably won’t know what to do with them at first. But if you hang on to them, you may find that they add up to a richer picture of the world than you had before. As Isaac Asimov reportedly said: “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka’ but ‘That’s funny . . .’”
When to use it
When receiving critical feedback on a project you are deeply invested in, instead of defending your work, ask questions to understand the critic's perspective.
In a team debate, when someone presents data that contradicts the group's consensus, resist the urge to argue and instead explore why the data might be valid.
As a researcher, when experiment results don't match predictions, document the anomaly and consider it a potential lead rather than an error to be ignored.
In personal relationships, when a friend's behavior seems confusing or irrational, refrain from labeling them and instead ask what pressures or contexts might explain their actions.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
Joshua Harris and the Backlash to 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye'
Joshua Harris, author of the bestselling Christian dating book 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye', initially dismissed online critics who claimed the book had harmed their lives. But when real-life friends shared similar negative experiences, Harris became confused and instead of rushing to a conclusion, chose to listen and stay open. He leaned into confusion and took the anomalies seriously.
Scientific Anomaly Leading to Discovery
A scientist conducting an experiment observes a result that contradicts their hypothesis. Instead of discarding the data as an error, they pause, investigate, and treat the anomaly as a clue. This openness can lead to a revised theory or a breakthrough, echoing Asimov's insight that 'That’s funny...' often precedes discovery.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
Think of a recent situation where you dismissed an opinion or piece of data that contradicted your own view. How might you have handled it differently by staying confused and curious?
What area of your life (work, relationships, beliefs) could benefit from deliberately holding off on conclusions and collecting more anomalies?
Recall a time when an unexpected observation led to a new insight or change in perspective. What did you learn from that experience about the value of confusion?
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- The Scout Mindset (Julia Galef)