Be Aware That His Ears Might Not Be Connected to His Brain
Feedback can miss its target when the listener misunderstands the problem. In Erikson’s story, a request to tell fewer stories is heard as a request to stop repeating old ones.
THE IDEA
Be Aware That His Ears Might Not Be Connected to His Brain
“I understand that you were bored,” he said. “You’re right. I’ve told some of those old stories way too many times. I need to stop repeating myself.”
I shook my head in despair. He had totally missed the point.
I said, “There’s nothing wrong with your stories. You just need to cut down on the number of them. Take every third one. Skip two out of three. The problem is that you talk too much, not that you repeat yourself. You have to let the other seven people around the table speak.”
But he wasn’t listening; he began telling me a new story just to check if I had heard it before. I had to repeat the whole thing.
When to use it
In a team meeting, when a colleague dominates the conversation and doesn't absorb feedback about their talking time.
During a performance review, when an employee becomes defensive and focuses on justifying their actions rather than understanding the critique.
In a classroom, when a student argues with the teacher's correction without processing the lesson.
When providing constructive criticism to a friend who repeatedly misunderstands the intent and focuses on minor details.
FROM THEORY TO EVERYDAY LIFE
In practice
The talkative storyteller
A talkative storyteller interprets a request to speak less as a request for new stories. They immediately tell another story, missing the point that others need time to speak.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
Put it to work.
Have you ever given feedback to someone who seemed to hear but not listen? How did you handle it?
What strategies can you use to ensure you are truly listening when receiving feedback, rather than becoming defensive?
How could you ask someone to restate your feedback so you can check what they understood?
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Source texts
- Surrounded By Idiots (Thomas Erikson)